submitted by Ashley Nixon
Twenty Five: The Quarter point
Around this time in your life, you realize you want to re-evaluate some choices, make a five-year plan and settle down. Also, around this time you start to reflect on some of the more questionable decisions you have made. A degree you’ve switched around, peers you’ve friended and unfriended, advice you’ve given to others and not taken yourself. Most probably done with liquid courage.
When it comes to relationships you might be at a point where you’ve realized you're not sure where you have gone wrong in not only quality but quantity as well.
When it comes down to figuring out your choices in a partner: Now you are a strong independent person who has survived quite a bit. So why does it seem that the quality of the resume needed is either married or totally off. What makes you pick the unsuitable?
It starts with your deal breakers....or lack thereof. Sit down, take a piece of paper and write a list of all the things that have irked you when you were in a relationship, all of them.
What is something they have in common?
My thing was accountability. Quite a few have shown me in the relationship they have no problem talking the talk but when it comes down to walking the walk I was left with a big bowl of empty promises. This happens more than once because of a few factors.
One I was not clear with my expectations in the beginning. Communication is key and my partner is not a mind reader.
Two when those expectations I did not express my feelings and did not convey them in a manner that my partner would understand.
Three when it kept happening over and over again I would half ass my emotions or just let it slide until I built resentment that ended up blowing up in my face and then the argument which could have been prevented. This was only one point.
What is on that list that you realize is not a dealbreaker?
Not necessarily what you are looking for in a partner but what do you need in a partner.
For this point, I need to learn what my love language is. There are plenty of tests you can take, but it really comes down to different types of needs.
Most common is affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
I learned that I need to be around my partner without necessarily needing them to stop what they are doing. Just being in the same room as they are playing video games and I am reading a book is enough for me.
These are the types of questions you will need to answer and destructive habits you need to break. The book, Why Strong Woman Struggle, makes you question these habits. Personally, I have been down this road a few more times than I want to remember. I will meet a guy at a bar, we hit it off and it seems like it is going well for a few weeks. Then they start to show these habits., whether it’s punctuality or basic expectations of accountability. With this piece by piece the fantasy that has been created starts to fracture and shatter like glass from a mirror.
Within all relationships for however brief or long you have to make a choice.
The author, Gessy Martinez, makes you ask yourself important questions towards the end of the chapter.
Are you willing to stay through the mission that is the relationship?
Will you continue the relationship as a mission for the journey is not as easy as following the yellow brick road?
Because the one thing I have learned in these twenty-five years is that faults will always be. The true question is will you be able to keep yourself or are you going to lose pieces along the way
Even Snow White had to stop eating from rotten apples.
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I’m Gessy Martinez, LPC, LCDC and I’m here to help you start healing today. Healing from your past is possible.